I had this entire post all edited up and ready to post as my final sunday post several hours ago (when I was still sober). Then I read the third, fourth and fifth paragraphs of this blog post. Some of the similarities between what I was saying and what she was saying were so startling that I felt almost like I was infringing on her copyright by posting after her. I struggled with a comment to express this on her blog for a good half an hour before deciding just to slap this heading paragraph on my post and post it anyway. Lawyers at dawn, 10 paces… ;-)
Have you ever been in love? If not, then I’d skip this post if I were you, it’s melancholy sunday in case you had not already noticed, and this isn’t going to be a “chins up, folks” post (that’s a monday job). If you have, then I’d probably skip this post too, but for different reasons.
Can you remember the exact moment that you fell in love? Can you remember each and every one in slow-motion each of the very details etched permanently in your mind? I can. However, can you remember the exact moment that you fell out of love? I can’t. I just can’t understand how someone can just stop loving someone so quickly, one day there is love, the next day there isn’t. I remember the heart-stopping moment when the “common sense goblin” that sits on my left shoulder raised a red flag and said “it’s all over, mate”. Oh, I fought for months, but there’s nothing like fighting a losing battle to raise just more questions.
It all seems so tragically fragile. The greatest irony of all (and I believe I use the word in its correct context here) is that all I ever wanted was for her to be happy. Obviously I wanted her to be happy with me, but the next best thing is for her to be happy with someone else, no matter how terribly hurtful that was for me. I wish I could have provided her with the missing parts to the puzzle (I don’t expect I’ll ever fully understand what those missing parts were). Still, on the bright side, I’ve apparently learnt something from this exercise, so maybe the next time around things will be different.
Most of the time I blamed myself. Clearly there was something that I could, or should have done that would have made everything right. How could she just fall out of love with me? I still go through moments (although, mercifully they are brief) where I run another alternative scenario in my mind that could have saved our relationship: at least I don’t dream those scenarios now.
At least I accept that it is over now; whilst I’ve got no particular desire to see her or her new boyfriend right now, I take some solace in the fact that she is happy. I believe that she extends the same feelings towards me.
