I know I said I wouldn’t be blogging tonight, but I had an hour before going out and had pretty much written this entry in my mind on the way to work this morning, so consider it a thursday bonus or disappointment depending on your point of view :-)
A stunning new season of programmes has started in my dreams. The really nasty ones stopped about month back and changed into Discovery Channel mode – interesting, sometimes thought-provoking but generally harmless: no waking up in the middle of the every night in a cold sweat trying to remember what the fuck is real.
Last night though, I had a far better dream :-) Sex, sex and more sex. And it was great. Can’t remember having a dream like that since last summer. I blame the fact on a rather splendid erotic blog entry I read last night before going to bed (again, because I don’t understand blogging etiquette, I’ll wait for permission before sharing it with you – she said yes, so click away).
I had a smile you could see from space this morning.
Other then dazzling astronauts, it got me thinking about empathy. When you’re in a pit of despair yourself, it’s hard to think about other people’s problems, indeed, it’s hard to even notice them, let alone provide any support. This is, of course, when you discover who your real friends are as opposed to your fair-weather ones — the real ones will stick by you with patience, support and understanding whilst you work things out in your mind. Most of the time I just went around in circles: Was it my fault? What could I have done better? Why is she doing this? What’s better about him than me? How could I have saved this? How can I save this now? Is there still hope? These questions and many more like them consumed me every waking hour (and most the sleeping ones, too) for many months. Indeed, a few months in, I became genuinely frightened that I might never feel any better – that once and for all, my heart was broken beyond repair. That was when the people who cared most bundled me onto a plane and forced me to go and see my friend in Italy. It turns out that they did know what was best for me…
But as you’ll know if you’ve been bored and patient enough to read my blog, things are changing. I’m rebuilding my life (surprisingly quickly, too), I’m optimistic about the future, I’m meeting new people and I’m smiling a lot! In fact, instead of being consumed by my ex, now I just think about her a few times a day — the majority of my mind’s time is spent elsewhere. And this is where empathy comes in. I now notice if others are not happy and I feel privileged if I can help in any way. Suddenly I’m a fully functioning member of society again: the “selfish bastard” switch that came on when my relationship died switched itself off, and that’s nice, because a lot of people spent a lot of time helping me and it’s about time they saw the fruits of their labour. Now I notice other people’s feelings and can be a shoulder to lean on rather than just being absorbed in my own misery. I’m 90% me again.
I hope I dream about sex again tonight. Last night’s dream was so damn good it deserves a sequel, no, actually – I reckon it should run for an entire season.
